Once upon a time
I fell in love with a junkie.
when We first started dating he wasn't a junkie, obviously
he was smart
funny
determined
capable
affectionate
sweet
talented
he was beautiful
and my life happily revolved around him
so when he went straight for the deep end
and heroin invaded the body of someone I once loved...
i was unable to walk away
I took care of him when he was sick
i handed him every dollar I made
I gave him everything I had and then searched and scraped for a little bit more
he had been my best friend
I had every intention of marrying him
he was the love of my life
i loved who i knew he was deep at the center of his being
but the deeper he fell into his addiction...
the more he slipped between my fingers
he started doing things that he never would have done
he started disappearing for days at a time
I finally left
i was completely dismantled
I was defeated
i wad to walk away from the one and only person I had ever really allowed myself to love
I had to do it for me
I refused to be there when he died...
the sound of him crying and asking me why as I walked away from him
without looking back even once
still rings in my ears
it's debilitating
the pain of knowing that i couldn't save him
that I wasn't enough
he started selling heroin and meth
recently the DEA busted him
he's going to prison for 30 years (minimum) IF he's lucky
I'm seeing someone
who I care about very very much
who treats me the way I deserve to be treated
and who also cares about me
but a couple of days ago for the first time in 7 months
I got a phone call
when I answered
my heart sunk
and I felt like I was going to throw up
....
He called to say goodbye
apologized for everything he put me through
told me that he wished he could have treated me better
that he loved me
and he wished the best for me
that he had been scared of what I had to offer when it came to love and affection
that he hoped i found someone who realized how lucky they were to have me....
ever since then
I haven't been able to sleep
and there's really nothing to say
it's so sad how once someone flirts with the "monster" it changes them into someone you don't even want to know
but every once in awhile
the person who you knew and originally loved can resurface
having to say goodbye to him again
was the hardest thing I have ever done
he made such a huge impact on my life
he taught me that i DESERVE better
and made me believe that I'm beautiful
loved him then
love him still
always have
always will
