so,
recently my financial situation has gone down the shitter on a for real note.
so...i had a friend who had to move but didnt have to money to get into his own place at the time
and i needed someone to pay half the rent otherwise i was going to get evicted
sooooo
he moved into my place (a tiny one bedroom)
he sleeps on the couch and uses the closet in the living room for his stuff.
I have never been one of those lucky people that ends up with room mates that they love.
I end up with room mates who are sloppy (which i am NOT)
and disrespectful
and feel entitled to everything thats mine.
the other night I came home and cleaned the whole house-while he sat on the couch and watched tv on MY laptop
I had gotten quarters to do my laundry and lined them up so that i could count how many loads i could do
the next day i texted him while i was at work-seeing as i work 5 days a week and he hasnt worked ONCE since he moved in and asked if he could
-take the garbage out
-wash ONE load of towels
he said yes
when i got home his laundry was done, my laundry money was gone, the towels were still dirty, there were tons of dishes in the sink, and he was sleeping.
oh NOT TO MENTION the fact that he turns all of the heaters off, opens the windows...and then LIES ABOUT IT saying he didn't do it....SERIOUSLY?
lesson learned
don't EVER have room mates
as soon as i get another job or more hours
im gonna come home and say
"get your shit and get out"
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
green with jealous rage
Lately I have been really envious of those who have the opportunity to LIVE.
All I have ever known is survival.
I have never gone without
however Snohomish is full of spoiled kids who have had everything handed to them on a platinum platter
kids who have never had the joy of a welfare christmas
who can ask their parents for money to go shopping
girls in the audi A4s and juicey sweatsuits carrying their coach handbags and matching wallets
...
It takes everything I have to pay my bills
I don't haave the luxury of going out to coffee with friends because $3.50 for a latte is beyond my means
I see my friends doing dinner and shopping dates that i have to decline because I simply can not afford it
i see my friends living at home, working part time jobs and going to school ( courtesy of mommy and daddys checkbooks) getting an education so that they can later provide for their families what was provided for them.
I on the other hand, have committed to the daily grind.
working my ass off to barely scrape by
I have to decline dinner dates
I have to come up with reasons other than
I'm broke and can't afford to go-embarassing
I'm jealous
that I can't have that
I'm jealous that they get the opportunity to be kids
I'm angry that being a kid has never been an option for me.
All I have ever known is survival.
I have never gone without
however Snohomish is full of spoiled kids who have had everything handed to them on a platinum platter
kids who have never had the joy of a welfare christmas
who can ask their parents for money to go shopping
girls in the audi A4s and juicey sweatsuits carrying their coach handbags and matching wallets
...
It takes everything I have to pay my bills
I don't haave the luxury of going out to coffee with friends because $3.50 for a latte is beyond my means
I see my friends doing dinner and shopping dates that i have to decline because I simply can not afford it
i see my friends living at home, working part time jobs and going to school ( courtesy of mommy and daddys checkbooks) getting an education so that they can later provide for their families what was provided for them.
I on the other hand, have committed to the daily grind.
working my ass off to barely scrape by
I have to decline dinner dates
I have to come up with reasons other than
I'm broke and can't afford to go-embarassing
I'm jealous
that I can't have that
I'm jealous that they get the opportunity to be kids
I'm angry that being a kid has never been an option for me.
Monday, January 17, 2011
you lie like rug
when people lie to me, it's like a slap in the face.
to me...being lied to feels like that person is saying
"i think you're stupid...and thats why i KNOW i'm gonna get away with this"
but i'm not stupid
and i can smell a lie from a mile away
i hate being lied to
it's the worst feeling ever
my heart sinks to my stomache
and i get a knot in my throat
because unfortunately it's ALWAYS the person i care about most thats lying to me.
to me...being lied to feels like that person is saying
"i think you're stupid...and thats why i KNOW i'm gonna get away with this"
but i'm not stupid
and i can smell a lie from a mile away
i hate being lied to
it's the worst feeling ever
my heart sinks to my stomache
and i get a knot in my throat
because unfortunately it's ALWAYS the person i care about most thats lying to me.
Just because I can
1. First thing you wash in the shower?
my hair
2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
black
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
over and over again :]
4.Do you plan outfits?
nope
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
anxious
uncomfortable
worried
exhausted
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
fingernail polish
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
aim
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
ummmm i don't know
but recently i woke myself up by talking to mike in my sleep haha
9. Did you meet anybody new today?
not today
10. What are you craving right now?
slimfast <3
11. Do you floss?
yes i keep flossups in my car :]
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
smelly
13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
ummmm i dont remember
14. Are you emotional?
very
15. Would you dance to the taco song?
sure whatever
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
yeah i counted my puzzle pieces. i was convinced that there were pieces missing...
but theyre all there
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick it. it hurts my teeth to bite into it
18. Do you like your hair?
yes and no.
I wanna do something crazy with it
19. Do you like yourself?
sometimes
20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
yes
21. Do you like cottage cheese?
<3
i was just talking about how much i love it
22. What are you listening to right now?
stop-loss
23. How many countries have you visited?
just the US
24. Are your parents strict?
no.
my parents are basically non existant
25. Would you go sky diving?
NO
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
no probably not
27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
nope
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
yes
29. Have you ever been in a castle?
nope
30. Do you rent movies often?
yes
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
im not in school
32. Have you made a prank phone call?
not recently
33. Do you own a gun?
nope
34. Can you count backwards from 74?
uh yeah
35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
no one
36. Brown or white eggs?
white
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
yeah lots of stuff actually
38. Ever been on a train?
yes :] the skunk train
39. Ever been in love?
unfortunately
40. Do you have a cell-phone?
i would die without my cell phone
41. Are you too forgiving?
yes...
42. Do you use chap stick?
yes ALL THE TIME
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
i dunno
probably working
44. Can you use chop sticks?
not really
45. Ever have cream puffs?
no...gross
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
yeah i love it
47. What was the last question you asked?
what movie is it?
48. What was the last CD you bought?
uhhh......?
49. Boys or girls?
men
50. What is your bus number for school?
no school
51. Is your hair curly?
naturally
52. Last time you cried?
last night
and this morning a little bit
53. Ever walked into a wall?
yes i do it all the time
54. Do looks matter?
yeah
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
yeah
56. Have you ever slapped someone?
yup
57. Favorite time of the year?
valentines dayyyyy :]
58. Favorite color?
red
59. Are you sarcastic?
very
60. Do you have any tattoos?
4 so far
61. The last person you held hands with?
mike bowden :]
62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
at mikes house but not at my house
63. Where was your default picture taken at?
no default
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
i dislike more than 3 yes
65. Do you like your life right now?
not at the moment but things will get better
66. How often do you talk on the phone?
everyday
67. What is your favorite animal?
ELEPHANTS!
and penguins
<3
68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
uhhhh slimfast :] yuuuum
69. Do you have good vision?
noooo
70. Can you hula hoop?
yes :]
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I have before....
72. Do you have a job?
mhm
catholic community services
73. Can you handle the truth?
yeah, i think so
74. What are you wearing?
sweats and a t shirt
75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
yup
my hair
2. What color is your favorite hoodie?
black
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
over and over again :]
4.Do you plan outfits?
nope
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?
anxious
uncomfortable
worried
exhausted
6. Whats the closest thing to you thats red?
fingernail polish
7. Do you say aim or a-i-m?
aim
8. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
ummmm i don't know
but recently i woke myself up by talking to mike in my sleep haha
9. Did you meet anybody new today?
not today
10. What are you craving right now?
slimfast <3
11. Do you floss?
yes i keep flossups in my car :]
12. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
smelly
13. When was the last time you talked on aim?
ummmm i dont remember
14. Are you emotional?
very
15. Would you dance to the taco song?
sure whatever
16. Have you ever counted to 1,000?
yeah i counted my puzzle pieces. i was convinced that there were pieces missing...
but theyre all there
17. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
lick it. it hurts my teeth to bite into it
18. Do you like your hair?
yes and no.
I wanna do something crazy with it
19. Do you like yourself?
sometimes
20. Have you ever met a celebrity?
yes
21. Do you like cottage cheese?
<3
i was just talking about how much i love it
22. What are you listening to right now?
stop-loss
23. How many countries have you visited?
just the US
24. Are your parents strict?
no.
my parents are basically non existant
25. Would you go sky diving?
NO
26. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
no probably not
27. Would you throw potatoes at him?
nope
28. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in?
yes
29. Have you ever been in a castle?
nope
30. Do you rent movies often?
yes
31. Who sits in behind you in your math class?
im not in school
32. Have you made a prank phone call?
not recently
33. Do you own a gun?
nope
34. Can you count backwards from 74?
uh yeah
35. Who are you going to be with tonight?
no one
36. Brown or white eggs?
white
37. Do you own something from Hot Topic?
yeah lots of stuff actually
38. Ever been on a train?
yes :] the skunk train
39. Ever been in love?
unfortunately
40. Do you have a cell-phone?
i would die without my cell phone
41. Are you too forgiving?
yes...
42. Do you use chap stick?
yes ALL THE TIME
43. What is your best friend doing tomorrow?
i dunno
probably working
44. Can you use chop sticks?
not really
45. Ever have cream puffs?
no...gross
46. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?
yeah i love it
47. What was the last question you asked?
what movie is it?
48. What was the last CD you bought?
uhhh......?
49. Boys or girls?
men
50. What is your bus number for school?
no school
51. Is your hair curly?
naturally
52. Last time you cried?
last night
and this morning a little bit
53. Ever walked into a wall?
yes i do it all the time
54. Do looks matter?
yeah
55. Have you ever bought anything from Pac Sun?
yeah
56. Have you ever slapped someone?
yup
57. Favorite time of the year?
valentines dayyyyy :]
58. Favorite color?
red
59. Are you sarcastic?
very
60. Do you have any tattoos?
4 so far
61. The last person you held hands with?
mike bowden :]
62. Do you sleep with the TV on?
at mikes house but not at my house
63. Where was your default picture taken at?
no default
64. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people?
i dislike more than 3 yes
65. Do you like your life right now?
not at the moment but things will get better
66. How often do you talk on the phone?
everyday
67. What is your favorite animal?
ELEPHANTS!
and penguins
<3
68. What was the most recent thing you bought?
uhhhh slimfast :] yuuuum
69. Do you have good vision?
noooo
70. Can you hula hoop?
yes :]
71. Could you ever forgive a cheater?
I have before....
72. Do you have a job?
mhm
catholic community services
73. Can you handle the truth?
yeah, i think so
74. What are you wearing?
sweats and a t shirt
75. Have you ever crawled through a window?
yup
Sunday, January 16, 2011
School??
I don't remember a time when I didn't value education. My dad used to tell me all the time that "an education is the one thing that no will will ever be able to take away from you." I believe this thouroughly and therefor don't understand how I did't finish High School. I could blame it on multiple differen't variables that existed during the time that I was in school...I got involved with the wrong crowd, I fell between the cracks, I was a confused and misguided youth without any support, I had an unstable home therefore didn't have support or structure...however; none of these excuses, no matter how valid they may seem, are not acceptable. I think the real reason I dropped out of high school with good grades 54 days before graduation is because I'm terrified of success.
Failure, is familiar to me. It's comfortable. When I'm down I know how to trudge through it. I am no staranger to "making it" and merely surviving from paycheck to paycheck. When I myself feel like a failure, others see me as someone who has been through a lot, a surviver. I know how to be that...but I've never been a success story.
I'm scared that if I were to succeed and I were to aquire an education and a career, that it would ultimately be taken from me. When you're on top, the fall is much further. You're expected to STAY on top and if you don't then your life becomes a tragic story and I feel I would crack under the pressure.
I love my job. It never feels like work. I can wear a smile and it's genuine because I know that I am helping someone. I am the reason why the elderly and disabled are able to continue living in their home. I know that a lot of people would be incapable of doing what I do and I am able to do it gracefully and perform my job well...but lately I have come to the sad realization that loving what I do with every fiber in my being is not enough, not only to provide the lifestyle that I someday hope to love but also it's not enough to even provide the money for my bills. therefore, it's neccessary for me to continue my education if i want to continue the nature of work that I do.
I know I'm capable.
I know I have what it takes.
I know that I'm smart enough.
I know that I could be very very successful...because of my love for helping others.
but my fear of having tried for something and failing is much larger than my desire to trudge (walk with purpose) towards my goal.
Despite my fear. I'm looking into my options, but just reading about what I have to do in order to be successful stresses me out. I need help from someone who has gone through the process of exactly what I'm trying to do.
I have NO CLUE how to do this.
Failure, is familiar to me. It's comfortable. When I'm down I know how to trudge through it. I am no staranger to "making it" and merely surviving from paycheck to paycheck. When I myself feel like a failure, others see me as someone who has been through a lot, a surviver. I know how to be that...but I've never been a success story.
I'm scared that if I were to succeed and I were to aquire an education and a career, that it would ultimately be taken from me. When you're on top, the fall is much further. You're expected to STAY on top and if you don't then your life becomes a tragic story and I feel I would crack under the pressure.
I love my job. It never feels like work. I can wear a smile and it's genuine because I know that I am helping someone. I am the reason why the elderly and disabled are able to continue living in their home. I know that a lot of people would be incapable of doing what I do and I am able to do it gracefully and perform my job well...but lately I have come to the sad realization that loving what I do with every fiber in my being is not enough, not only to provide the lifestyle that I someday hope to love but also it's not enough to even provide the money for my bills. therefore, it's neccessary for me to continue my education if i want to continue the nature of work that I do.
I know I'm capable.
I know I have what it takes.
I know that I'm smart enough.
I know that I could be very very successful...because of my love for helping others.
but my fear of having tried for something and failing is much larger than my desire to trudge (walk with purpose) towards my goal.
Despite my fear. I'm looking into my options, but just reading about what I have to do in order to be successful stresses me out. I need help from someone who has gone through the process of exactly what I'm trying to do.
I have NO CLUE how to do this.
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